CLARENCE PAGE: There were many dubious achievements in 2021

What a twelvemonth for dubious achievements. It started disconnected with a fewer 1000 sore-loser Donald Trump supporters storming the Capitol and appears to beryllium ending with maine trying to fig retired Melania Trump’s announcement that she is launching her ain NFT level — and that its archetypal offering is simply a integer coating of herself.

What is an NFT?

It means nonfungible token, a signifier of cryptocurrency that transforms integer works of creation and different collectibles into verifiable assets that tin beryllium traded connected the blockchain. Beyond that, you’ll person to inquire idiosyncratic wealthier than I to explicate it.

I person a large capable situation judging my yearly database of Dubious Achievement Awards, picking up the fragments of a expansive contented unluckily abandoned by Esquire magazine.

I cognize I’m not each that funny, but, hey, somebody’s got to bash it aft a twelvemonth truthful abundant with nominees.

Drumroll, please.

Proud girl

Top honors — oregon bottom, depending connected your position — spell to Jenna Ryan, the Texas existent property cause who was arrested successful the Jan. 6 “Stop the Steal” insurrection astatine the Capitol.

“Definitely not going to jail. Sorry,” she famously tweeted successful March. “I person blonde hairsbreadth achromatic tegument a large occupation a large aboriginal and I’m not going to jail.”

Judges, wholly consisting of me, gave her the borderline with that self-glorifying tweet. So did U.S. District Judge Christopher Cooper, who didn’t bargain her excuse that she was someway innocently caught up successful the excitement.

“When you chose to permission your edifice country and march down to the Capitol, I deliberation you knew this was nary mean protest,” Cooper said. “You knew this due to the fact that you were watching Fox News successful existent time.”

Next lawsuit …

Fresh breath, soiled lungs?

Republican U.S. Sen. Ron Johnson of Wisconsin arched much than a fewer eyebrows by suggesting during a virtual municipality hallway lawsuit that Listerine mightiness assistance arsenic a bully aboriginal attraction for COVID-19.

Despite much than 200 cardinal radical being afloat vaccinated, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Johnson said determination weren’t capable objective studies to warrant pushing the vaccine to radical extracurricular high-risk groups. Of course, experts accidental determination person been nary objective studies that amusement however good gargling Listerine would halt COVID-19 either, but I’m definite it volition permission you with fresher breath.

Weaker than Listerine

Speaking of the pandemic, rapper Nicki Minaj told her millions of Twitter followers successful September that she wanted much “research” earlier getting vaccinated, arguing that, “My relative successful Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his person got it and became impotent. His testicles became swollen.”

“Yikes,” said I, which besides turns retired to beryllium the rubric of a Minaj single. Trinidad authorities sprang into action, debunked the claim, and Dr. Anthony Fauci himself scolded her for the mendacious information. My attempts to scope her relative successful Trinidad were not successful.

Honorable mention

In opposition to the overly disquieted Ms. Minaj, honorable notation goes to rap fable Darryl “D.M.C.” McDaniels of the hip-hop radical Run-D.M.C., among galore others who person stepped up to amended the public, peculiarly successful Black and Brown communities, astir the information of COVID-19 vaccines. (Hey, Run-D.M.C., springiness Nicki a call, please?)

Person of the Year

Speaking again of the pandemic, my grant for “Person of the Year” goes to the wonderfully generous Dolly Parton, whose $1 cardinal donation to Vanderbilt University Medical Center helped Moderna make the aboriginal stages of its coronavirus vaccine.

It besides inspired Miss Dolly to satirize her deed opus “Jolene” into a caller 1 titled “Vaccine,” which I expect present volition beryllium stuck successful my caput for the remainder of the day.

The ‘Nobody Believes Me’ award

Who else?

Let’s springiness erstwhile “Empire” histrion Jussie Smollett his owed for staging a ridiculously fake “hate crime” onslaught successful Chicago that managed to debase existent hatred transgression victims, discarded a luck of the financially struggling city’s constabulary backing and permission State’s Attorney Kim Foxx with a batch of explaining to bash for dropping the charges — which were past taken up by a peculiar prosecutor.

Special mention

It has been a delight to ticker blimpish commentators autumn implicit themselves to lionize comedian Dave Chappelle arsenic a martyr to “cancel culture” due to the fact that of the backlash implicit his mocking views of transgender radical successful his “The Closer” monologue, which isn’t adjacent adjacent to his champion work.

He isn’t canceled, arsenic a New York Times header enactment it. “He conscionable likes to speech astir it.” That’s OK, Dave, conscionable support rollin’ successful that dough.

And Happy New Year to all.

Contact Clarence Page astatine cpage@chicagotribune.com.